I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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