Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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