Too much gin, very little bucket
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
