I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
please come you make the beer taste better
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
