I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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