drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
