Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
