Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
