i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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