Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
