i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize