Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
