I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
