omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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