You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
