I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
