I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
