Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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