The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
