The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize