Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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