i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
