i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
