The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
