areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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