you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
