I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
