I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
