I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
His hands were made for my vagina.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
