Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
