I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
