he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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