It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize