Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
