I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
