whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
