the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize