My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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