Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
