your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
