I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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