You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
