can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
