totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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