Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You're a waste of cheezeits
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
