Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
