I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
