Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
