Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
