I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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