so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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