Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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