Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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