Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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