He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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