Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
