I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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