Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
time to smoke my breakfast
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Let's paint friendship bongs
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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