i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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