Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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