is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
