i may or may not be watching the land before time
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
